Guide to Vampires

In the second of a series the doctor advised me against, I shall discuss vampires and methods of surviving an attack of vampires.

Please note this blog entry is called Guide to Vampires, not as in an earlier misprint Guiding for Vampires which was a club for vampire self-development started by Robert Baden-Powell.

This guide does not deal with zombies, werewolves, banshees, ghosts, poltergeists or bankers. It may discuss cheese and pickle sandwiches at some point.

Take care whilst attempting to identify vampires as sticking a pointy bit of wood through a neighbour's goth son or daughter is viewed with disdain by most local police forces. Check for slicked black hair, pasty complexion, very prominent eye teeth and a Transylvanian accent. Especially look out for a poor shave (male vampires only) or smarting eyes due to ill-positioned contact lenses. Vampires cannot see their own reflections in a mirror and hence have trouble with some personal tasks. Some attempt to hide their smarting eyes by the use of stupid little sun-glasses (see below).

As well as goths, it is sometimes hard to distinguish a vampire from a banker. Often this can only be done after an attack has taken place. Should you wake up with little memory of where you were or what you did and have two bites very close to one another, then you have been attacked by a vampire or a banker. If the bites are in your neck, you feel lightheaded and your heart is thumping as if it has nothing to pump around your body you've been attacked by a vampire. If, on the other hand, the bites are in your wallet, it is completely empty of cash and there is a small note saying that they have charged you more because you've run out of money, then you've been attacked by a banker.

When ordering pizza, ensure that you also order plenty of garlic bread. Hanging garlic bread on a string around your neck will keep vampires away. To be honest it'll pretty much keep everyone else away too.

Vampires cannot enter your home without being invited, but once invited they are nearly impossible to get rid of. In this respect they have much in common with double glazing salesmen. This guide firmly recommends asking for a business card before deciding to allow entry. If the name on the card begins with Count, or his or her job title is Exsanguination Specialist it's time to get that pizza order in.

Killing a vampire can be achieved with a stake of wood, thrust through it's undead heart. Please be environmentally sound and ensure that you use wood from renewable resources. Polished mahogany is not big and it's not clever.

Regardless of statements to the contrary, vampires do not like going out in the sun and seldom, if ever, sunbathe. It's all about image. How scary can you be if you look like David Dickinson (see below)?

There are a number of places to avoid. Graveyards (well, doh!), blood banks, big impressive but dark houses on hills into which coffins were taken the day before and, finally, snooker halls. The danger of snooker halls has been immortalised by Lawnmower Deth's Spook Perv Happenings in the Snooker Hall (Lyrics). Should you find yourself in one of these places, you'll probably be a member of the undead shortly. Prepare by having a decent shave and putting your contact lenses in as these tasks will be so much harder in the near future.

My final tip is to check the names of your companions. Should one be called Blade or Buffy you're doing pretty well and survival is pretty much assured. If you know a Van Helsing, it's time to order a pizza.