Anyway to address one of these issues, I'd like to introduce this my first iDifficult self help guide. The chilli induced hallucinations will require further investigation.
The iDifficult Guide To Zombies
This is a guide to surviving an attack from zombies.Purpose
To educate in survival techniques for dealing with one or more zombies in urban environments.Scope
To provide information on surviving a zombie attack. It does not deal with vampires, werewolves, banshees, ghosts, poltergeists or bankers.Intended Readership
The living. Should you feel undead or even slightly unwell please don't read this document. We really don't want you to know what we are planning to do next. That would be unfair.Zombies are easily recognised by pale faces, staggering walk with arms outstretched horizontally in front, possibly with gaping wounds, and blood and gunk around their mouths. Their conversation is limited to a few moaning grunts. Please consider all of these factors together holistically. Do not batter granny to death because she has a pale face and a staggering walk. Similarly be careful not to mis-identify local youth coming out of a kebab shop at 11:30 - they stagger, have gunk around their mouths and issue moaning grunts.
Use fresh meat to distract zombies. Frozen meat is even better as they have to wait around for 6 hours for it to defrost, or 12 if they leave it in a refrigerator. If you are vegetarian please do not use quorn or soya products as they really don't have any interest in them whatsoever. Also they are terribly expensive.
Do not use silver bullets. These are intended for werewolves and just annoy zombies. Especially if they are waiting for the frozen meat to defrost. Irrespective of the effectiveness of silver bullets, if living in England you must already have obtained a firearms licence from the local police force. The police will only issue firearms licences to those considered too flaky by psychiatrists to appear on a reality TV show. I suggest taking silver bullets to your nearest jewellery store to exchange for cash. Remember if the person serving you has blood around their mouth, gaping wounds and a tendency to stagger slowly with their arms raised horizontally in front then they are a zombie. Walk quickly away.
Do not attempt to use a steak through the heart. It's a waste of a good cut of meat. Throw it between nearby zombies.
Zombies move quite slowly with a staggering gait. Walk smartly away from them. Do not run, because if you run they'll appear in front of you from behind the nearest tree or tombstone (see unsuitable places below). On flat ground a Segway is an excellent means of escaping zombies.
Do not walk smartly into wooded areas where it is most likely you'll trip whilst looking over your shoulder at a following zombie. Similarly do not go into graveyards, unless you happen to be Buffy. If you are Buffy, would you mind writing an endorsement on this posting, it'll improve my readership splendidly.
Should you find yourself in a wooded area or a graveyard just sit down and rest. You're pretty much doomed anyway. Use your cellphone to text friends and loved ones to let the know just what you thought of them before you became a flesh eating member of the undead. Do not leave a video camera on the ground, switched on and pointing at you. The footage will be most unpleasant for relatives and is unlikely to make them any money selling it to Bloopers and Takeout TV.
Nordic Walking is not a good means of escaping from zombies. It inspires the same confidence as running with the same pitfalls. Although fortunately you will have two metal poles with you to fight them off.
Going up stairs helps as it is well known that zombies cannot go up stairs. They have to congregate at the bottom and yell "Exterminate" in strange metallic voices. Sorry, scrub that. Apparently that's Daleks.
Wooden bats work very well against zombies. Do not use Fruit Bats as they are a protected species.
Next week, The iDifficult Guide to Vampires.