Living like Roth

Those of you who have read Indigo Roth's blog must wonder what a day in the life of the man is like. Or indeed a morning. Being intensely private (apart from writing everything he does in a blog), I can only imagine what his routine is like.

Roth's Diary - Tuesday

7:30: Woke to the sound of Bear having a shower. Hope he doesn't use all the water. Or the shaving foam.

7:45: Order an extra large deep pan meat feast with green chilli and lashings of extra sauce. There's nothing like a good breakfast to set one up for the day.

7:47: Check blog visitor stats.

7:50: Make triple espresso. Shaken, not stirred.

8:00: Pizza arrives.

8:01: Finish pizza and recycle box.

8:05: Shower and morning ablutions.

10:35: Dress in Savile Row suit and choose a matching tie.

10:40: Pick out coat. Accidentally fumble a button and watch coat turn into Christmas Pudding and catch fire.

10:45: Pat out remains of previous coat and put in bin. Consider written complaint to Q.

10:50: Put on second coat, but much more carefully.

10:55: Go downstairs and read mail. There is a short note from the neighbours complaining about the half-eaten wildebeest on the back lawn and King rummaging through their freezers when they were out.

11:00: Leave house and get in Aston Martin. Adjust door mirrors. Looking good. Set car for semi-invisible. What's the point of looking this good if no one can see you?

11:05: Spot periscope poking through drain grill at the end of the drive. Text iDifficult and ask him how he is.

11:06: Periscope vanishes and a text reply appears - "Should I turn left for the North Sea or right? Navigating a nuclear submarine through the sewers of Paralytic-in-the-Wardrobe is not easy you know."

11:07: Text back - "Left, then straight on"

11:08: Drive to Mayfair in London to meet my contact.

12:35: Park Aston Martin. Set invisibility full on. Less parking tickets that way.

12:40: Speak to contact with secret code phrase: "My grandmother feeds her kippers with mashed potato." The man replies: "This is a greengrocer. Secret service is next door." "Oh."

Due to the official secrets act and state security we shall leave Roth's day there. I'm fairly sure there must have been a further pizza. Possibly a curry and several more espressos.