Thursday, 1 April 2010


This is a blog that isn't afraid to discuss anything. All aspects of life, curry, the undead, Ford Edsel's and old London Routemaster buses are to be found on these pages. In this post we'll deal with the dead. Not your regular stuck in a box and buried six-feet under, or stuck in a box, burned to a frazzle and put in a jar over granny's mantlepiece type dead. We're talking the restless dead, ghosts.

Should you meet a ghost, be sympathetic. Ghosts have quite a lot to put up with. Like dying and, usually some unfinished earthly business. This can make them stressed and incoherent. What's worse is they can't take Prozac or Valium because the little tablets go straight through them and fall on the floor.

Imagine a ghost, or a little group of ghosts, in some dark and foreboding house. Nice night in. Chance to put their feet or ghostly tails up. Lounge in an old rocking chair, leave a person shaped imprint on the bedcovers, smoke a cigarette or two, laugh at the SMOKING KILLS label on the packet. Then there is a crash. The door opens and in comes a TV crew. They set up night vision cameras everywhere, put motion sensors on the rocking chair, and invite members of a studio audience to sit in the dark and scream. Yes, they've been visited by the Most Haunted team.

Ghosts find this most frustrating. The presenters are saying things like "Oh, over there an orb, or light anomaly as we like to call them. I mean, did you see that?"

Meanwhile our ghost is saying "I'm not over there, I'm behind you. And try cleaning your camera lens occasionally, it's filthy!"

Or, "Let's get out the Ouija board and try to communicate. Is there anyone there?"

"Give over, I was a peasant farmer, born in 1563. I can't even write, let alone spell!"

"OK everyone, put a finger on the glass, or planchette, as we experts say. Call on the ghost to spell out his name."

"Oh, I suppose I can try. Learned a little from the newer ghosts. 
S-O-D O-F-F."

The evening usually continues in much the same vein. Table tipping is tried, with squeals of delight. "Look the spirits are lifting the table up. Quick film under there, see the legs are nearly off the ground. Squee!"

"No, I'm over here. In the rocking chair, having a quick smoke. Might have a lie down in a bit."

No team is complete without a medium, who occasionally becomes possessed by an evil spirit or talks about subterraneans living in the London tube network. He'll pipe up and say things like "I sense an evil, angry spirit seeking revenge over his murder. I can see his face just in front of me."

"No, I'm still rocking and having a smoke. Besides I'm not angry. Horse backed up and pushed me down a well. Didn't have time to be angry. Bloody stupid animal."

"Does anyone else think it is getting cold in here?"

"Of course it's getting cold, you've left the front door open to get all the TV cables in, you complete pudding!"

I'm sure you can understand why a ghost might find this frustrating, and possibly just a little bit annoying.

If you want to be nice to a ghost, do some pottery. They love pottery. Something soothing about pottery. It's not as if they have any real use for the mugs or cups you make. A nice cup of tea goes the same way as the Prozac, straight onto the floor.

Goodnight, and don't be spooked. They're as shocked to see you as we are to see them. Traumatised ghosts often wander around saying things like "I see live people."


  1. well that explains a lot. mine have been quite quiet and happy since i put the life sized posterboard cut out of Han Solo in their room - finally somebody worse off than they are. =P

  2. "Look, a ghostly scarecrow!"
    "No, that's Yvette."

    We must watch this again together sometime soon. It's too silly to avoid.

  3. iDifficult, I am laying down the accusation; I think YOU'RE a ghost!
    For one thing, how would you know what ghosts like and don't like, without being one yourself?
    Also, whenever I run my mouse over your picture in the sidebar, your (rather pale and ghostly) face disappears!
    So you may as well admit it. There's no denying what's been scientifically proven.


  4. S-O-D-O-F-F.... I'm sure that's what I'll will be telling people who mess with me once I'm dead.

  5. Yep, Scott's right. I'm a ghost with tourettes! I walk through doors and swear at them...

  6. Hmm. That's a nice trick. That change in font colour makes the post look 3d. The blue is is closest to my nose, then the white and the red is far in. I guess talking about ghosts makes for interesting reading.....

  7. Ghosts don't kill people, bad TV does :)
    Thank you again for another great guide - always a treat

  8. My best friend is a psychic/medium/intuitive/sees dead people kind of person. She often jokes about these shows because it is just like you described. No Ouija board, no orb of light, just sitting in a rocking chair, across the room from the activity, having a smoke or a cup of coffee.


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