Thursday, 8 April 2010

Barking up the Wrong Tree

I met one once. Huge with long canine teeth, fetid breath, and a tendency to wee up lampposts. I am of course talking about werewolves, not Indigo Roth, who for the record does not have fetid breath.

This is the iDifficult guide to werewolves. It will not help with vampires, zombies, banshees, ghosts, poltergeists or bankers. To be honest, it will be sod-all help with werewolves, as I doubt you'll have time to sit down with your laptop and have a quick read should one be around.

When there is a full moon, werewolves run around remote Scottish moors biting and eating people. The people who get bitten become werewolves at the next full moon. Then they run around biting and eating people. Some of the time they spend attempting to blow down the houses of werepiggys. Werepiggys with straw houses tend to be especially vulnerable to this behaviour. Wood fares little better. Brick is definitely werewolf proof.

Killing the first in a line of werewolves, removes the curse from the bitten and their bitten and so on down. It also stops the eaten from being cursed restless ghosts and being annoying.

Beheading kills werewolves. It also works on vampires, zombies and bankers. Should you be a little myopic opt for the beheading approach. Try not to be too obvious whilst carrying around a huge broadsword.

Silver bullets are great. They do kill werewolves. Please check the hallmark as silver plated bullets will not do. You will also need a gun of some kind (although this does not need to be silver) as bullets, no matter of what they are made, will have little effect if you just throw them. Gold bullets do not work, as Scaramanga found out to his cost in the little known James Bond book The Man with the Golden Gun and a Huge Chunk Taken Out of His Arse.

Under no circumstances make use of regular dog training techniques. Werewolves do not fetch, roll over, play dead or beg. Without a huge broadsword or silver bullets you stand only a slim chance of survival. You will need a spot of luck to make use of the following techniques:

  1. If you are near a beach, werewolves love sand. There is a good chance the hairy fanged beastie may bury you and forget where.
  2. A werecat wanders by. Werewolves have to chase these up trees. It's in their blood. Run away from the trees.
  3. The moon goes behind a cloud. Run.

As always, here at the iDifficult blog, we bid you good night, don't have nightmares and be lucky, especially around the undead.


  1. Hey 'Difficult! Are these scary monster entries available in 120 easy-to-collect parts from my newsagent? Can I put them in a special binder to form a handsome display volume that will be talked about at dinner parties? Roth

  2. "be lucky, especially around the undead" In my head, this sounded wrong :)

    Another great undead survival installment, Kudos!

  3. The Man with the Golden Gun and a Huge Chunk Taken Out of His Arse - ah! that explains Goldmember...

    i agree with Roth. this series bound together in a special binder would make an excellent coffee table book! =)

  4. I reckon this proposed tome would break a mere coffee table, its far too weighty...but I demand a copy for my steel re-enforced bookshelves..

    Now for the coffee table version, a paperbacked precies perhaps...


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