Friday, 20 April 2012

Letter From The Royal Society

There was a letter on the mat by the front door. Thankfully it hadn't been chewed by the dog, as I don't have one.

I opened the envelope. It was heavy, slightly yellow with a course grain to the paper. I pulled out the letter which was folded into three. I unfolded it and it cracked in a satisfying manner. I was hoping I was finally going to be recognised by the Royal Society. It would be much more of an honour than being recognised by the local police.

It was from a Royal Society. Unfortunately the wrong one. It was from the Royal Society for the Protection of Unnatural Hybrid Animals Abandoned in the Wrong Timeframe. The RSPUHAAWT had to be the most specific charity organisation ever. I suspect they didn't have a huge case load.

In the corner of the paper was an embossed gold crown with the words "By appointment to His Majesty". The black writing was raised slightly above the paper and I could almost read the words with my fingertips. Expensive and classy.

Dear Dr Tunguska,

We understand you are the creator of an Arboreal Cephalopod, a Squiddrel in fact, and due to your carelessness have left it causing a bit of a disturbance in 1980.

The citizens of 1980 would like this creature removed as it is ruining their enjoyment of the great music of their era. It loves to dance, hogs the space on the disco floor and has eaten at least three DJs.

Please resolve this matter urgently or we shall be forced to take action.

Harold Wingnut.

The letter was lightly scented. I phoned Indigo Roth.

"Hello. Roth residence. Please leave a message after the beep." The answer machine then said "bleep."

"Roth, if you want to go for a pizza you don't have to go to this much effort. A phone call will do."

"What effort?"

"The letter from RSPUHAAWT. I know it was you."


"It smelled slightly of pepperoni."

The Squiddrel first appeared in Indigo Roth's The Silence of the Ducks


  1. hehehehe!
    though somehow i wish it were a real notice, i would love to see the Disco Duck hang his beak in shame - just before he is eaten for lunch...

    1. I can imaging a squiddrel dancing around it's handbag.

  2. Just peperoni? I would have thought there would have been a definite whiff of jalapeno too......

    Actually I'm a tad surprised that it just smelled 'slightly'. He must have been trying to really careful with this one!

    1. I think he avoided wrapping it in a Domino's box

  3. I'd like to quash this groundless speculation about pizza; it's a fiction put about my people who know me really well.


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